To: Raeth; ⁱ ʷⁱˡˡ ˢᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵠᵘᵉˢᵗⁱᵒⁿ ˢᵒ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʷᵉ ᶜᵃⁿ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ⁱᵗ ˡᵃᵗᵉʳ.

 Raeth, let me tell something that I am now maybe not what I was am used to be, that you have known that day. But before I talked, firstly I'll say that I am fine; not good not bad, just.. nothing. 

I do am trying my best as a human being; spending my time on school, looking forward to my exams. doing this and that, and thinking of you sometimes, i think the last one won't change. 

People tend to feel numb nowadays; and I am sure I'm not the only one to experience it, so I would say that I am no special. 

There's a plenty time when I felt like I am not worth it for anything at all, the things around me felt useless and empty. I didn't know what's the point of living anymore; I slept too much, my mind said I got to hibernate and wake up when everything is better. 

Probably when I'm asleep, I'd be jumping in my dream, in my dream; I can be anything i want. for example, I can meet you-- I can see you laugh and looking at me. it is not like I want to be the best thing who's ever happened in your life; I just want to see you in my eyes, and you're the only people I know; like the back of my hand, because no one does. 

My life had been disaster, you know? And I'm trying my best each day; until I don't give a damn about that. The only thing I know is I am tired and I usually am sleep and I meet you, and in my dream we are everything, and I don't wanna wake up anymore, and I don't eat, there's a time when I think I'd almost give up in my study, in my life; I don't care what am I supposed to be; I can't hurt anyone around, so I decided to sleep, to not sharing my sadness ; to bury and take this toxic feelings away that only me knows, and these are my plan anyway. 

I'm about to giving up on me a couple times. But then I remembered to my mom; she gives me her everything to brings me to life, to me,  and I cant just messed up with this though my life wasn't feel mine, sometimes. 

I understand everyone is carrying up their wounds, so do I, I am fine with this; I am strong enough, that's what I said since there's no place I can be honest with myself. when people see me cry, they'll ask and I hate desperately of being asked, and let's just don't ask me why. 

Raeth, I cut off my relationship with my friends you knew I was always being together with, and I just can't trust me. I put myself in a distance so they can't reach me, and it's been months if I remembered, I am feeling like I'm not good to anyone, so no one must've been hurt just if they don't know me; a complicated feelings but I got myself drown deep in it and I cant help; I'm not beautiful and I'm broken inside, I am a sad soul and yet still alive; and sometimes I merely couldn't call me a human, but a good thing,  I found the one who said she doesn't want to being a human too and then we became 'friends?' i don't know. But I talked her about you. 

Raeth, I miss you but it's okay. I'd still go on with my life, I'm trying to wake up and when I feel sad, i'll cry. I'd try my best to cry, I will accept myself who I am and not to thinking too much, everything is gonna be okay, everyone is gonna be okay, but what kinds of okay gonna be? 

I'll save this question so that we can talk about it later.